My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
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I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
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Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize