nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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