Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
