Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
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In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
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It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever