the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
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just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
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Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?