Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
