The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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