I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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