when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We have started to decorate penises.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
