I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
