I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
