My liver just broke up with me...
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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