ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I didn't shave. On purpose
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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