I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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