Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
This house was built for laser tag.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
