God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
