my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
im six kinds of drunk right now
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just high enough for therapy.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
