Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
