I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
