You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
my shit smells like andre
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
