you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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