Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
