So drunk its hurt
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
