I'm eating all of the evidence.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
