I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
