Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
