so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
