I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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