tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
she pinky promised me she was 18
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
