my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Randomize
