I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
