does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
