Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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