i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
