I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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