so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
