Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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