fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
