I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
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I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
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okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
ok first of all what the fuck
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