Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
