He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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