there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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