I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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