Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
