So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
