I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Randomize
