Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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