She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
