my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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