so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
