billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
