I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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