So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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