I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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