This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
