Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
