Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
