i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
